The death of Robin Williams has highlighted to the world how little we know about what goes on behind closed doors of other people’s lives. Even if we notice signs that someone is stressed, we often don’t understand the depth of their pain and suffering. Family/unpaid caregivers are no different. Come to think about it, they are different. They don’t often realize the depth of their own suffering. They are blinded by the high ideal that caring for a loved one who is ill or disabled is a family obligation and they “just do it.”
It makes sense. When we get married we vow to love our spouse “in sickness and in health." As a parent we will do anything for our children. And don't we "owe it all" to our parents who raised us and didn't abandon us regardless of how hard we tried to drive them away during our teen years?
There is a point when obligation turns into caregiving. You take on that caregiver role selflessly and with great love. Nearly every caregiver I’ve spoken with told me they were doing OK. I know that is not always true. Three years after my caregiving role ended, I am starting to see how easy it is for a caregiver to accept whatever happens, with little regard to his or her own needs.
I remember being in the ER with Callum less than 2 weeks before he passed away. It was 4 am and I was explaining to the ER doctor that for the past couple of weeks I had been setting my alarm every hour through the night so that I could check on Callum. The look he gave me was the “2x4 over the head” that finally hit home how serious this was and how much I needed help. He asked me if I was connected with the Palliative Care team. I assured him I was. I didn't want to bother them with this because there were caregivers who really needed their help. Not me. I had it all together. Ya. Right.
What caregivers go through is similar to the “boil a frog” story. If you put a frog in a pot of cold water, and slowly raise the temperature, the frog gets used to the temperature and loses its ability to sense the danger of the hot water. Eventually he boils to death.
That is what happens to caregivers. The stress they face slowly rises, plateaus, rises again, plateaus, rises again, and so on. Most often, caregivers are not aware of the effect of the stress: digestive troubles, headaches, sleep issues, anxiety and depression. Without knowing I was doing it, I clenched my jaw so much it took a year after Callum passed away for it to release and be normal again.
Caregiver Stress Rises Higher and Higher
With an increased attention to depression and suicide prevalent this week, please watch carefully over the caregivers you know. If you are a caregiver, please reach out for help. Your stress can be greatly reduced by something as simple as having a friend cut your lawn. If you are having trouble sleeping, don’t feel happy about anything and/or are constantly worried, talk to your doctor, a counselor or a friend who can connect you to the help you need. Be the best caregiver you can be – remember to look after you!
Lorna M. Scott is the author of the best selling book Walking the Journey Together … Alone, Finding Peace, Hope, and Joy in the Middle of the Sh**. Click Here for More Information About the Book and Lorna
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