The 3 R’s: Getting Back on Track

When you are faced with a rollercoaster ride of emotions it can be challenging to stay focused and balanced, in any area of your life. The demands of caregiving are not always predictable. You can think you’re headed one way, and in reality, you are only a blood clot or low immune system away from a sudden change of course.

When you spend your time preparing for what you do know is coming up, and planning your life around doctor appointments, medical tests and pharmacies, there is little time or energy left for the curve balls of caregiving.

I clearly remember standing in my kitchen, sipping a hot, fresh cup of coffee, looking forward to a restful and relaxing weekend.  The peace and calm of the moment was suddenly interrupted by the words “We need to go to the hospital.”  I turned and looked at Callum’s swollen, purple arm.  There was to be no rest or relaxation that weekend.  We spent over 6 hours in the emergency room and spent the rest of the weekend watching for signs of a pulmonary embolism or stroke.  No fun at all!

Your situation may not be as dire as this one I just described. It is nearly certain that you will have at least one episode that comes out of nowhere and can leave you not knowing what to do, where to go, or what help you need.  Your mind becomes a soupy fog and you know that if only you could think more clearly, you could get back on top of things.  You need the 3 R’s.

The 3 R’s can be done at any time you need them. You may first need to make sure your loved one has the care he/she needs. Take care of anything urgent before taking time out for the 3 R’s.  Most likely some adrenaline will kick in to help you get through the urgent or emergency situation.  It is after that you will really want to use the 3 R’s.  If the situation is not urgent, and you aren’t sure about the next steps, you can use the 3 R’s as a way to more clearly assess the situation and what to do next.

Relax:

 Take at least 3 deep breaths.  Breathe in through your nose to a count of 5, and out through your mouth to a count of 5. This is usually enough to slow down heart rate and rapid breathing. It’s fine if you need another 2 or 3 deep breaths.  By this time you should feel a bit calmer.

Re-energize:

Sit quietly.  If there is time, do something soothing, anything

that gives your body a chance to recover from the adrenaline rush:

-       a bubble bath

-       some light reading

-       sit, close your eyes on concentrate on your breathing

-       light a candle and stare at the flame

-       listen to music

-       take a 10 – 20 min nap

-       walk around the block or walk up and down the stairs in your house/hospital

-       enjoy a cup of tea, coffee or hot chocolate (no alcoholic beverages)

Refocus:

After you’ve had time to relax and re-energize, you are ready to refocus.  Take a good overview of the situation and see what you need to do next. If immediate action wasn’t necessary, review the situation as it is now, and see whether you need to call a doctor, or maybe home care.  If you have taken a trip to the emergency room, you will be better able to understand what the doctors and nurses tell you. 

Have a “tool kit” of things ready for the 3 R’s.  You might want to keep with you, or nearby, a book, mp3 player to listen to music, notepad and pen, healthy snacks and some single portions of your favourite tea/coffee/hot chocolate. You can be prepared for the unexpected event that turns your life around faster than you can blink an eye. 

Lorna M. Scott is the author of the best selling book Walking the Journey Together … Alone, Finding Peace, Hope, and Joy in the Middle of the Sh**.  Click here to order your copy.

Could This be Your Neighbour, Co-worker - Maybe You?

What do these people have in common?

• ·       Your husband or wife has cancer
• ·      Your wife or husband has MS
• ·      Your mom or dad has Alzheimers or dementia
• ·      Your child has a disability or brain injury
• ·      Your brother or sister has a mental illness 

If any of these describe you, you are a caregiver!  Still not convinced?

In the last week or so, have you done any of the following for/with someone in your family who is ill or disabled?

• ·      Attended a medical appointment with your family member
• ·      Made sure someone took their medication at the correct time
• ·      Washed, dried, folded or put away laundry
• ·      Cooked or dropped off meals
• ·      Shovelled a walk
• ·      Mowed the lawn
• ·      Had a visit (at home, or in the hospital or nursing home)
• ·      Took them to church
• ·      Help them get dressed
• ·      Gave them a ride to the hairdresser or barber
• ·      Had to say “no” to something you wanted to do because you were committed to doing something for your loved one who is ill or disabled?  

If you said “yes” to any of these statements, you are a caregiver.  You can’t deny it. 

The Miriam Webster dictionary says a caregiver is:

-a person who provides direct care (as for children, elderly people, or the

chronically ill)   

or

a person who gives help and protection to someone (such as a child, an old

person, or someone who is sick).

You are a caregiver and you are not alone.  You are one of the 13 million caregivers in Canada providing an estimated $25 billion worth of care.  Or perhaps you are one of the 65 million caregivers in the U.S.A. providing an estimated $450 billion worth of care.

When you see the numbers you must be convinced of the prevalence of families relying on each other to fill the gaps in caregiving. It is a multi-billion dollar business. Neither the Canadian or American health care system can afford to do what you do. You do it out of love. You do it out of compassion. The bottom line is, you just do it. And think nothing of it.

You don’t have to do it alone.  In the previous blog I talked about asking for help.  After I wrote that blog, I realized many of you will have read it, and thought it didn’t pertain to you, because you think you are not a caregiver! For you own health and peace of mind, you must not do it alone. Allow others to help you.  You will be no help to anyone should you get sick. And that is what will happen if you try to go it alone.  Who do you ask for help?

• ·      Family – share the caregiving, if possible.
• ·      Friends
• ·      Co-workers
• ·      Community Service Groups
• ·      Neighbours
• ·      Community Agencies
• ·      Doctors, nurses, etc. 

There are many more people who could be added to the list.  The point is that people want to help you.  The best gift you can give yourself, and the person helping, is accepting their help.  It’s a win-win situation.

Lorna M. Scott is the author of the best selling book Walking the Journey Together ... Alone

An Insider Secret of a Calm Caregiver

Insider Secret of a Calm Caregiver

Not often are “calm” and “caregiver” put in the same sentence. Overwhelm, fatigue, numbness, depression and shock are some of the things that may appear as calmness.  They are common disguises that mask the inner turmoil, anxiety, pain and fear felt by many caregivers. They have great poker faces, enough so that we are confident they are doing as great as they tell us.  Sometimes caregivers fool themselves.

There’s an “insider secret” that’s good to know for both caregivers, and those supporting caregivers.  It is prioritize and delegate.  Friends, family, co-workers, even strangers, like to help. The secret is to be ready for the ask.

First of all, take a look at the to do list and see what things other people can do for you.  Take those off of your to-do list and put them on the “helpers” list.  You can even go one step further and divide the list into “boy “ jobs and “girl” jobs. When someone says “Let me know if you need anything.”   Answer them by saying, “Well, this is what’s on my list.  Is there something here you can help with?”

 

The beauty of this is that it’s a win-win situation.  You find out quickly you are not alone, you learn to prioritize, and your to-do list gets done.  The person helping you feels a sense of accomplishment, is glad to help and feels a deep sense of gratitude that they could make a difference for you.

There are some other “insider secrets” to making this work even better.  Practicing prioritizing and delegating your to-do list is a start.  I used an excellent website for planning and organizing help.  I highly recommend you take a look at Lotsa Helping Hands

Lorna M. Scott is the author of the best selling book Walking the Journey Together Alone

Stress Information Every Caregiver Should Know

The death of Robin Williams has highlighted to the world how little we know about what goes on behind closed doors of other people’s lives. Even if we notice signs that someone is stressed, we often don’t understand the depth of their pain and suffering. Family/unpaid caregivers are no different. Come to think about it, they are different. They don’t often realize the depth of their own suffering. They are blinded by the high ideal that caring for a loved one who is ill or disabled is a family obligation and they “just do it.”

It makes sense. When we get married we vow to love our spouse “in sickness and in health."  As a parent we will do anything for our children. And don't we "owe it all" to our parents who raised us and didn't abandon us regardless of how hard we tried to drive them away during our teen years?

There is a point when obligation turns into caregiving. You take on that caregiver role selflessly and with great love. Nearly every caregiver I’ve spoken with told me they were doing OK. I know that is not always true. Three years after my caregiving role ended, I am starting to see how easy it is for a caregiver to accept whatever happens, with little regard to his or her own needs.

I remember being in the ER with Callum less than 2 weeks before he passed away. It was 4 am and I was explaining to the ER doctor that for the past couple of weeks I had been setting my alarm every hour through the night so that I could check on Callum. The look he gave me was the “2x4 over the head” that finally hit home how serious this was and how much I needed help. He asked me if I was connected with the Palliative Care team. I assured him I was.  I didn't want to bother them with this because there were caregivers who really needed their help. Not me. I had it all together. Ya. Right.

What caregivers go through is similar to the “boil a frog” story.  If you put a frog in a pot of cold water, and slowly raise the temperature, the frog gets used to the temperature and loses its ability to sense the danger of the hot water. Eventually he boils to death.

That is what happens to caregivers.  The stress they face slowly rises, plateaus, rises again, plateaus, rises again, and so on.  Most often, caregivers are not aware of the effect of the stress: digestive troubles, headaches, sleep issues, anxiety and depression. Without knowing I was doing it, I clenched my jaw so much it took a year after Callum passed away for it to release and be normal again.

                                               Caregiver Stress Rises Higher and Higher

With an increased attention to depression and suicide prevalent this week, please watch carefully over the caregivers you know.  If you are a caregiver, please reach out for help. Your stress can be greatly reduced by something as simple as having a friend cut your lawn. If you are having trouble sleeping, don’t feel happy about anything and/or are constantly worried, talk to your doctor, a counselor or a friend who can connect you to the help you need.  Be the best caregiver you can be – remember to look after you!

Lorna M. Scott is the author of the best selling book Walking the Journey Together … Alone, Finding Peace, Hope, and Joy in the Middle of the Sh**.  Click Here for More Information About the Book and Lorna

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